Space and privacy in your relationship

It is safe to claim that if good treatment clubbed with privacy and freedom is what you expect from your partner, then the very same is also what you need to give back to your partner. This importantly, comes along with the clause of needing to accept one another’s sense of individuality. Why this well sorted out theoretical prescription for success in a relationship fails to translate successfully in its practical application is an interesting analysis. What is evident is that, while the giving and receiving of good treatment is all good and hunky dory; it is in the giving of privacy and freedom that the calm waters get unsettling. An independent, free and self expressive partner not only triggers the feeling of doubt and insecurity in one’s mind but in addition may also cause a withdrawal of complete trust. The vital question of being “why so?’ comes. The answer put in simple words is that personal space, privacy and independence in a relationship are often equated to secrecy. Here’s a breaking down the case scenario in an attempt towards further comprehension.

What is personal space and privacy ?

It is common for us to hear a lot of our friends complaining about their partners not giving them enough personal space or not letting them live their lives. But what is this personal space we refer to? A basic understanding of humans as social being tells us that our lives are divided into four quadrants – our career or occupation, our family life, our social life and personal life.

And while the events in our daily life assume different shapes and meanings, these four quadrants remain constant.

Of these, our personal life is defined by the time we spend to fulfill our inner selves, either by way of hobbies, self care or leisure activities. Without question, how we want to lead our own personal lives is our choice and decision to make, depending on our comforts, likes, dislikes and desires.

And since these matters are often private in nature, our personal time in a way also becomes our private time , just as our personal life is in a way the same as our private life.

What goes wrong ?

A day comes when we meet that special someone we have been fantasizing about and waiting for since long. The release of endorphins in our brains makes us go gaga over just about everything. In that special someone and before we know it, we believe we are in love. At this point and all points beyond, we tend to completely give up on our personal life, as we spend most of our time experiencing and obsessing about the newness and excitement in our lives.

A few months down and finally, we feel that something is missing. We begin sensing a lack of space .The roots of this disturbing realization are grounded in us constantly, sharing every small detail of our personal life with our loved ones. Very quickly, our partners feel free to guide us and instruct us on ways we must lead our personal life.

Our partners decisions become our decisions, their choices becomes our choices, their opinions becomes our opinions, but only until we begin to freak out. While our identities begin to get highly influenced by our loved ones, we also begin to develop a sense of lost individuality. And before we come to realize it, our private space feels intruded upon.

Then what is secrecy ?

Secrecy is about hiding the kind of information that otherwise should be easy to talk about between two people in a relationship. And there’s no denying that when a couple in a relationship begins keeping secrets from one another, there is something to worry about. While it is not a compulsion for your partner to know everything about your personal, social or work life, at the same time there should not be any information or aspect in your personal, social or work life that you cannot talk about or discuss with your partner. For example, if you go out with two of your good friends for a casual dinner, there is no reason why your partner cannot know about it.

However telling your partner that you were working late in office instead, or that you went out for dinner with just one friend is necessary.

What is the impact of secrecy ?

Secrecy destroys the basic pillar of any relationship – which is ‘trust’. And once the trust is lost ; relating to the other in the partnership becomes very tough. Truth is, even when there is a great deal of honesty and commitment within a relationship, one instance of secrecy in enough to instill the doubt in the relationship. Doubt in its part is undeniably one of the most overpowering feelings of all, and can emerge as one of the most important decision making aspects in any relationship. Doubt in the end, is what sows the seeds of the arguments, anger outbursts, emotional instability and finally separation.

Is there a way out ?

Anything that has the potential to have an impact on your partner directly or indirectly and has been hidden from him or her intentionally is secrecy. Privacy is when something that does not hold relevance for your partner or has potential to have an impact on your partner is for some specific reason kept to yourself by choice.

For a relationship to work well in the long run, it is important to consciously differentiate between the two and to consciously do the right thing. Alongside, there is a dire need to allow one’s partner to enjoy his or her own personal space. Remember, if someone tries to control your thoughts, desires, ideas and actions or tires to put an end to them – your existence will get choked. To respect the other’s spaces, the other’s privacy and the other’s need for self expression – clubbed with a healthy dose of trust – is what counts in the end.

Dr Kamal Khurana

Marriage & Relationship Counsellor

The Counselling Institute

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Revive The Spark In Your Marriage

Marriage is a beautiful relationship which needs to be nourished regularly and ceaselessly. And those who do so, create an opportunity to get all the warmth they need to live a complete life. Life is nothing but a play between everybody’s challenges and achievements. And in this play, if we have someone standing beside us every moment of the way, it becomes easier and all the more exciting. Marriage gives us that someone.

So, as much as it is important for us to continually provide reasons to that ‘someone’ to choose to be with us; it is equally important that we continually make efforts to ‘run’ this functional unit called ‘marriage’. A marriage is not a task that is completed on the wedding day; rather it is a process that starts after the wedding day. From time to time, the spark gets lost somewhere and, from time to time, it’s up to you to revive that lost spark and rediscover that magic.

The wrongs……

Many of us don’t realize this truth or choose to ignore it. And after a point ignorance leads to a stage where partners begin to drift away from one another. Vacuum creeps into the relationship and it is this vacuum which in many cases abruptly erupts into arguments, fights or extra marital affairs. While there’s a tendency to believe that these consequences are the worst thing to happen to any relationship, they are in fact normal. In other words, these consequences make for the natural law of progression. These situations in a marriage are a call for attention to ‘the lack of life in the relationship’. It’s an indication that partners are failing to relate to each other’s emotional needs. What is unfortunate is that most couples realise that they have reached this stage only when it is too late. What is more unfortunate is that many don’t realize it at all, not at any point, not to any extent. Why? Because all that the couple gets entangled in, is the foolish blame game and see nothing beyond.

Things need to be done !

Love. Very few know what love is. People wrongly misunderstand love to be a feeling of high in the presence of somebody else in life. This is just a very small part or rather an effect of love. Love is simply ensuring with your best capacity that the other is comfortable and ensuring that the other is happy and in a psychological state to progress in life. This commitment, while it may offer a high sometimes, may not at other times. But, when one claims to be in love, there is no room for a single day to pass by without loving in the true sense. Love doesn’t mean that one needs to empty one’s bank balance for the other. It also doesn’t mean that one needs to constantly take time out from one’s work, hobbies, family and friends to spend time with the other. Love is just about remembering and living up to the commitment that will become a reason for your loved one to develop faith in the relationship, to pursue it with genuine intentions and, to stick around only because it is all so worth it.

Let’s bring LIFE in a relationship….

Hundreds of articles on relationships are filled with such ideas and everyone who reads it thinks ‘Yeah, I know it’. This ‘knowing’ is what kills the idea. Because one knows it, the idea is perceived as a discounted thing very commonly knows by everyone. Few are wise to figure that only by doing these common things can be made exciting and relationship can be made to work. Here’s a list of such little-big things that go a long way in bringing back the lost spark in your marriage. Only if couples begin following and practicing these commonly known ideas, the thought of marriage will be treasured with much more fondness.

Rituals of expression

A good morning hug, a good morning kiss, a ‘have a great day Sweetie’, a welcome hug – these fixed set of rituals add more magic to a marriage than one can notice. Set in routine your personal rituals of expression and cherish them. And make sure to never withdraw.

Surprise occasions

Surprise your partner with surprise movies and outings, a surprise day off from work or an unexpected vacation. Get creative and add some spice to your mundane routine. These special surprises however, must be planned for times when they will suit your partner’s comfort and convenience.

Surprise gifts

Who doesn’t like surprise gifts? Yet, it’s always best for gifts to be matching the choice of the person for whom they are intended. So, take care to listen in on and comprehend your partner’s big and small needs and wants. Fulfill them when your partner least expects you to. Even if it happens to be a roadside snack that your partner has been longing for, go fetch it. You will make your partner feel important and cared for.

Perhaps one of the most fulfilling experiences in a marriage is the giving and receiving of acknowledgment for what one does, says, plans and accomplishes. This is all about the ‘feel good factor’ and plays a big role in re-establishing or reviving the spark in your relationship. This makes your partner believe that you listen, that you care and that you most definitely hope for the best for your partner.

Compliments

Compliments are loved by everybody. And they are a hundred times more meaningful and impactful when they come from those who are close to us. Positive feedback enhances self-esteem, which in turn does wonders to keep the excitement in a marriage alive.

Making special occasions ‘special’.

People look forward to special occasions. And special gestures from special people on special occasions, together make for the perfect cocktail for that much needed intoxication that a relationship thrives upon so beautifully.

Taking care of needs and expectations

Doing what the other wants has no replacement. One must do what is in one’s capacity and try hard to be able to fulfill those needs and expectations that are beyond one’s capacity for the time being.

Being there

Because this matters the most, simple expressions such as ‘How are you feeling?’ or ‘Is there something I can do for you?’ or ‘What would you like to do today?’ add that charm to a relationship that is hard to let go off.

Caution:

Important to remember is that there is no quick fix formula. But love never goes unnoticed and always works.

Dr. Kamal Khurana

Marriage and Relationship Therapist

The Counselling Institute

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What is the meaning of happiness for you?

People come up here with different tracks, different viewpoints and different issues with various statements like “He never understands me”, “He reacts so unpredictably”, and with experiences like,” I know things will never go right”. “There is always a new negative incidence that crops in whenever I go ahead and try to resolve the issue and again we land up fighting or arguing”.“I cannot live with him but I know I love him”, “I cannot forget the things of past, I am hurt, how should I be doing that?”, “How should I be happy, by forgetting the past and looking forward to the future?”

But here one thing is common everywhere and that is they all want peace, harmony and prosperity in their personal and relationship dimension, they all want their marriage to work and have the willingness to change for the sake of their marriage.

The answers are simply put in these questions:

-          What is the meaning of peace for you?

-          What is the meaning of happiness for you?

There is no word called “PERFECT” and anything and everything that happens is perfect. Things happen for a reason and our role here is to try to find out the reasons and work towards them.

So, let’s work towards them step by step.

Firstly, if you love him, all the efforts are worth it. There’s always a neutral way out towards a particular conflict/clash and here at “THE COUNSELLING INSTITUTE", we learn to do that. Do what you are supposed to do and accept gladly the consequences and try to figure out your cravings and aversions in regard to that particular situation, as a result in this journey you will find “ME” (the real you).

 This article written by MANASVANI. Manasvani is a psychologist and a consultant with TCI since 4 years. She has done her Masters in Psychology. She has keen interest in the field of counseling, both personal and relationship. Her work revolves around creating an understanding of self in all areas of life and helping individuals enrich their lives. She is a strong advocate of the belief that individuals should work to reach closer to self-actualization.

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Some steps toward fulfilling marriages...

So this seems to be the era where everyone seems to be concerned about the rising divorce rates. While on one hand, it is true that divorce rates are indeed on the rise, it also is true that if the right efforts are put in at the right time, marriages are not only workable but very satisfying. The one thing to always keep in mind is that marriages require constant efforts to grow and develop into healthy and satisfying relationships. Here are some basic insights that will put you on the right track... J

·        Don’t lie

If you feel the need to lie to your partner, think to yourself why? We also lie for trivial matters thinking it is easier, or when we think our partner might not agree on certain things. Lies whether small or big, breed mistrust. Try expressing honestly to your partner. It will save you a bigger confrontation that might happen later.

·        Do not criticize

Criticism comes naturally to all of us. We do want things our way, and we find it easy to just inform the other person what actions of his we like, and which ones we do not. While the intention in our mind is to make people mend their ways a little, the outcome of criticism is the opposite. Apart from hurting the feelings of someone else, criticism instantly makes the recipient defensive and stronger on his position. They will justify and explain the rationale of ‘why I think this is the best way to do this’ or will make them criticize you. It is the way our egos defend ourselves. People genuinely think they are not to be blamed and they are right. Yet, criticism hurts people and their actions never change.

·        Never say okay if it is not

The point here is not to fight for everything, but at the same time, do not just agree to everything only to avoid an argument. Such situations will most often than not, repeat themselves and it will be assumed that you are okay with them. When you are saying ‘okay’ to something, it is giving your partner that exact same message. If you are not okay with the particular way situations are being handled, then take time to convey your perspective to your partner and arrive at a central route which is ‘okay’ to both of you. Any disagreement or difference of opinion can either cause a rift between the two of you, or if handled well, can help you know your partner better and increase the intimacy you share.

·        Learn to forgive and forget

It is easy and very natural to feel hurt because of something unpleasant your partner did or said. When you're hurt by someone you love and trust, you might become angry, sad or confused. Here, it is important to remember that grudges soon turn into resentment and hatred. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. Again, it is important to deal with it there and then, forgive and not harbor grudges for long. Once an argument is over, do not bring that situation or argument again in future arguments. A bad memory can actually help, when it comes to past disagreements!

·        Spend time

This is probably the most commonly given advice and least commonly implemented. While each and every aspect of our individual life is important and needs to be taken care of too, never let anything or anyone take precedence over your partner. No matter what work, household and other responsibilities one has, always take out a brief amount of time everyday to be spent with only your partner.  Engage in some activities as a couple. It could be anything from a conversation over evening tea or post dinner conversations, to a walk to the park, yoga or hobby classes. Make sure this becomes a consistent part of your routine.

·        Awareness of feelings

We are conditioned to perceive situations and gestures a certain way, and then we react accordingly. There are always three versions of a story – your version, your partner’s version, and what really happened. If you really wish to resolve issues and deal with conflicts in a smoother manner, it is important to first, be aware of your own feelings, triggers and reactions and then understand the same for your partner as well. Acknowledging your partner’s feelings will help your partner feel that despite having different perspectives, you understand and respect their feelings. This in turn, most likely will lead to a similar reciprocation. A conscious awareness of the other’s feelings and emotions tends to make you sensitive towards their needs.

This article written by Divya Baveja. Divya is a practicing psychologist and a consultant with TCI since 4 years. She has done her Masters in Psychology. Her interest areas are in the field of personal and relationships counselling. Her work involves personal and emotional well being, growth and self enrichment, where she mostly works with individuals and couples. She focuses on fostering awareness of feelings, thoughts and basic assumptions that underlie human actions in order to create positivity and also helps inculcate life skills to deal with personal situations effectively and constructively. In her belief, all forms of positive growth begin with two things – awareness and the right tools guiding the way.

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Myths related to De – addiction

There are various myths related to de – addiction, the most common being “maybe rehabilitation centre or a psychiatrist would be able to help me better as compared to counselling”.

People usually come up with this notion that how would simple counselling be able to help me pertaining to my repeated habit of substance/ behavioural use/abuse.

The answer to this lies in the fact that psychological counselling does not simply work on the pattern (which is currently happening) but its basic and foremost objective is to understand the personality structure of that person, his feeling, emotions, and perceptions about his world (his family, friends, and work) – this in turn helps the counsellor to understand the WHY; why did he initially start and what were the reasons which reinforced him to continue with this practice.

The ‘why’ here carries lots of importance as this influences the probability of lapse and relapse. A combination of therapies like cognitive behavioural therapy, hypnotherapy, neo linguistic programming, and free association are used on that individual to help and motivate him towards de - addiction. Alongside, he is also given the aid of motivational group therapies, family therapy to help him further in this process.

In this manner the individual has a holistic circumference to motivate him towards de addiction.

This article written by Akanksha Madan practicing as Clinical psychologist at The Counselling Institute. More on their website: http://www.thecounsellinginstitute.in

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Accepting People As They Are

“What we judge in another is a disowned part of ourselves.”

Once upon a time I used to get really depressed around people whom I didn’t feel were living up to their “full potential”. I referred to these people as “sleepwalkers”, due to their inability to wake up and smell the law of attraction.

I assumed that my depression was a direct result of the other person’s choices, and so I did everything I could to inspire them to change. But what I didn’t realize at the time was that my negative feelings had nothing to do with their decisions, and everything to do with my judgment of them.

Take a moment and notice that when you can’t accept people as they are in the moment, you feel irritated. This irritation is a signal from your intuition, letting you know that you are resisting the conditions of the present moment and pushing against WHAT IS. When you refuse to accept people as they are, you create a disturbance in the Force!

One of the hardest spiritual truths to accept is that everyone is as they should be. If you think otherwise, you are rejecting the inherent wisdom of the Universe, the same wisdom that is shining through the eyes of the person you want to change.

When you can’t accept a person as they are, it’s usually because they are reflecting a quality you haven’t yet accepted in yourself – otherwise known as the Shadow Effect. But if you are conscious enough, you can use the interaction as a mirror into your own psyche.

Are you aware of the qualities within yourself you have rejected? Examine the characteristics of the most difficult people in your life and see if they’re reflecting these qualities back to you.

As for me, I find the “unconsciousness” in myself totally revolting. I hate it when I think, speak, or act unconsciously. The “sleepwalkers” are just reminding me to have more love and compassion when the unconscious part of my personality shows up.

When we take the time to love and accept even our most unwanted qualities fully, we can do the same with other people. When we love people unconditionally we have no need to change them, and our resistance to the present moment dissolves.

Accepting people as they are doesn’t mean we will stop judging altogether. Our judgments do serve a purpose because they help us sort through the contrast of this world and decide what we want out of life. But just because someone decides to be a vegan, intuitive, tea-loving yogi doesn’t mean everyone else in the world should be. 

“I think everybody should like everybody”

MANASVANI

Psychologist

The Counselling Institute

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The Story Of A Believer

Not every smile is hiding some tears...

Not every tear is borne out of pain...

Laughter, in itself, hurts a lot.

It takes a lot to laugh in spite of the pain.

My smile isn’t a cover up... of things I want to forget... of words I don’t want to say …. Of the past, I die inside, when I imagine.

I’m not trying to escape any of it. It’s a reminder to myself… that I lived through the past, and almost survived. That I found the courage within myself to forgive some... that I’m still seeking to heal myself.

I’m as scared as you are... but willing to be brave. Brave enough to love... brave enough to smile.

Care enough to look beneath? Walk with me a while?

My smile isn’t a façade. It is not to make you believe something. It’s a gift to myself… So I go on believing. ..

This article written by Divya Baveja working  as practicing psychologist at The Counselling Institute. More on their website: http://www.thecounsellinginstitute.in

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Addiction And Its Kinds

Addiction is a chronic but a treatable problem. People who are addicted cannot control their need for alcohol or other drugs, even in the face of negative health, social or legal consequences. This lack of control is the result of alcohol- or drug-induced changes in the brain.

We call anything abnormal when one or other aspects of our functioning are getting hampered. In de – addiction also, our spectrum of life does gets hampered like our personal life, professional life, relationships, social circle, productivity of life or any other dimension.

Addiction is not just limited to substance anymore, but these days it has increased its horizons to behavioural aspects as well. This is called behavioural addiction.

Activities such as gambling, eating, gymming, viewing pornography, playing videogames are conducive to addiction as they result in immediate gratification of need. Similarly, the frequent cell phone texting that many young people do especially ‘Whatsapp’ and ‘Blackberry’ messenger, in which they send and receive hundreds of messages a day, contains the conditions for addiction. One of the other very frequently heard behavioural addiction is that of internet.  

There is no age bracket for any kind of prognosis in addiction. It can range from teenage years till old age.

This article written by Akanksha Madan practicing as Clinical psychologist at The Counselling Institute. More on their website: http://www.thecounsellinginstitute.in

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THE BABY TRAP

So, what is the best way to deal with infertility? Counselors tell you that if there is a treatment one should go for it. Otherwise, a visit to a professional counselor or a family therapist can help.

What kind of pressures does infertility put on a marriage? “It can bring a lot of negativity in relationship. The blame –game starts, agitation and irritation between the partners becomes frequent .There is a disconnection in terms of physical, mental and emotional intimacy. Low self-confidence of the infertile person also hampers the relationship. Family expectation adds it to all. Self-pity, suicidal tendencies and depression are common,” Dr Nishu Shukla, a marriage counselor with The Counselling Institute, says.

Women, however, are better equipped to deal with the situation.” they are more sensitive and have a better understanding of the pain and agony. Acceptance is higher in women. They seldom break a marriage due to an infertile husband,” Dr Nishu explains.

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Re-marriage after divorce.. Weighing the odds

Today’s stressed up and mechanical metro lives can bring divorce to any marriage. However, the notion of remarriage after divorce continues to receive sparse enthusiasm by many. Call it the ‘once bitten, twice shy’ syndrome or a natter of an ordeal not worth going through all over again – the questions of right and wrong and yes or no frequently accompany the thought of indulging in wedlock post of a failed marriage. However, the reality of life is that we all need a partner, because we as social beings are not made to live alone, both psychologically and biologically. We need a partner who can be with us at all life stages and at all moments to share all kinds of emotions.. be it joy, anxiety, excitement, sadness or anger. And, it is through the sharing of these emotions that we help each other to grow. Yes, breaking of a marriage is a serious life event. But life is like water. And like water, life moves on. It moves on for everything and everybody. What is crucial however, it is for you to be consciously and completely prepared to move on. Only then, will you move towards the right direction and in the right frame of mind.

Critical facts:

·         Have you dealt with the trauma of separation?

Most people don’t have the courage to effectively accept the trauma of separation and rationalize their thoughts in accordance. They end up finding themselves in the blame-game mode, many a times drowning in self blame too. in either case – such negativity is bound to surface in the next relationship, if not dealt with properly.

·         Have you assessed your weaknesses?

Divorce cannot be the doing of just one person. Even if there is one sufferer, he/she has made a contribution by allowing the other to behave in a way that led to the suffering. So, even if the contribution comes in the way of a lack in assertiveness, a lack of awareness or an indifferent behavior; one must identify one’s weaknesses that helped result in a painful and unsuccessful marriage. It is advisable to work closely with a professional, to discuss the matter with an unbiased friend or relative or, to use the help of good self-help book.

·         Have you taken your learning?

All experiences lead to some important learning. And it is easy to overcome the sufferings if we are able to discover the meaning of an experience and learn from it. This coping mechanism stems from a famous school of thought in psychology called the ‘meaning therapy’ or the ‘logo therapy’. It implies that identifying the right meaning behind an experience will help to shape the circumstances in the future.

Going forward

·        

            Avoid haste

Our near and dear ones always want to see us back on our feet and want to see the picture perfect and complete. Hence, they tend to constantly coax us into starting a new marriage at the earliest. Remember, marriage is a lifetime decision sways, does matter. Hurrying up about getting into a second marriage is being unwise. Patience must be observed even if kids from an earlier marriage are involved.

·         Be prepared

Remarriage is a good idea, but only when you are ready. Haste seldom leads to success. At the end of the day, it is your marriage and ultimately your life at stake. Not submitting to the desires of the mind and body is essential. Be sure that you are mentally, emotionally and intellectually ready to step into another marriage and to accept another human being into your life. Remarriage should be about knowing what is psychologically and emotionally right for you; not about finding the right match.

·         Know yourself

Take time to know yourself better. Make efforts to come out of negative emotions such as self doubt, guilt and suffering. This is crucial before stepping into another union. After all, your mental and emotional state is bound to impact your new partner and ultimately, your marriage.

The fear of the second marriage turning out to be a failure is a very common deterrant for anyone who undergoes divorce. However just because things between two people didn’t click; it doesn’t mean that life will offer us the same sequence every time. The same sequence or the same situations however are likely to repeat if one hasn’t successfully learnt the lessons that life offered to teach by way of previous relationships. If one consciously puts in substantial efforts to avoid haste, resist temptations, be prepared, know oneself better and on the whole learn from past experiences; one is headed in the right direction towards taking the next step.

Dr. Kamal Khurana

Marriage & Relationship Expert

The Counselling Institute.

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