INFIDELITY – Knowing that the partner is infertile brings life to
a state full of irony and dilemma. The instant reaction is of disbelief. It surely
brings havoc in a relationship. The only fact that makes marriage different is
exclusivity. Marriage is a relationship where the man and the woman decide and
promise to live together and try their best to support each others dreams. Lack
of exclusivity makes the relationship vulnerable to dissolution. This doesn’t
mean that all marriages with infidelity by the husband or the wife Brooke. Such
marriages are just dragged and move with a lot of haste, disgust, abuse and
pain.
Reactions :
Knowledge of infidelity is a very traumatic situation for
the cheated partner.
A lot of mixed emotions are felt at this stage. They display
explosive anger reactions
. They might resort to verbal or physical abuse or both. In
some cases they also try to threaten or actually bring harm ( of any sort ) to
the third person who is involved with their spouses. In some cases the cheated
partners straight away refuse to live in the home and threat to even break the
marriage. Also if they have children they try to ventilate the pain to children
too which is very traumatic for the children.
The Confusion :
Amongst all this there comes a very tricky point – to choose
the road ahead. This decision is a very critical decision and most people are
unable to take the right path. The reason being :
- · Undealt hurt –
The heart of being cheated comes as
a shock. It is a deep hurt because people are unable to believe the occurrence
of infidelity despite their love and commitment in the marriage. This emotionally
hurt is far deeper than a physical hurt. The pain is experienced more and more
because the whole series of experiences in the mind keeps on repeating like a
faulty movie CD. The racing thoughts of imagination about the relationship of
the partner with the other choke the mind to make the decision.
- · Cloud of coldness –
The day of revelation brings the
cheated partner in a mode of coldness. It is really difficult to break this
vicious mood punishing the infidels partner through blaming, commenting
sarcastically and abusing. The decision for the way forward cannot come till
this punishment mode is outgrown. For some people it even continues upto few
months or even a few years
- · Doubt about re-occurrence -
There is a strong insecurity in the
mind of the cheating partner that the infidel partner can cheat again. There is
great difficulty in building the trust back again. This is very obvious in
cases where the cheating happens to a person who has never sensed any problem in the marriage
- · Inability to gather courage to start afresh
Most people go through a stage where
they feel that their life has come to an end. These people feel depressive and
also experience inability in being functional even in other spheres of life –
career, social life and health. The whole negative and pessimistic environment
leaves the person in a deep mist.
- · Inability to rationalize the gaps in the relationship prior to the infidelity
It is true that no reason can justify infidelity. But at the
same time there are factors that trigger the person to take such a step
unknowingly. Such reasons are the gap areas in the relationship which are used
as a refuge by the infidel partner. A relationship can never fail if both the
partners are assertive in getting the issues sorted. But those who fail to put
the concerns across each other are vulnerable to slip towards such a disastrous
direction or unconscious choice. And when the infidelity is revealed, the
cheating partner is in a great inertia of disbelief, anger bouts and vengeance
that he / she is not able to have an unbiased observation of the gaps in the
relationship. A fresh life can happen when both the partners agree to see
things objectively.
- Decision :
To reconsider the continual of the relationship is an
important life decision.
The first most important requirement is to be open to the
hurdles in the decision making process as mentioned above. The comes the
following sequence of facts to make the right decision :
- · Acknowledgement / guilt of the infidel partner
It is very important the infertile
partner admits the involvement in an extramarital affair. Many people don’t
accept it and say that it was just friendship. It is difficult to convince them
to accept till they are provided with solid evidences. Also there are such
people who don’t even accept despite the presence of evidences. Owning of the
cheating brings both a common point of acceptance. And only then the cheated
partner can come to the step two. It is not worth considering if the infidel
partner doesn’t accept. It is not recommended that the infidel partner is
forced to accept. There are other bold steps that can be taken without harming.
- · Honest narration of the inner emotions by the infidel partner
Most the infidel partners don’t tell
the whole thing. In such a case the cheated partner finds it difficult to
restart the relationship. This is so because the trust can be developed only
when the infidel partner takes complete ownership of the whole situation.
- · Development of Conscience in cheating partner
Some people accept and even tell the
truth. But they don’t have any realization and are not committed to rebuilding the marriage. There are higher probabilities that the relationship will not
work in such cases. It is difficult to access whether they have the commitment
or not. The help of a good psychologist can be taken to access this situation
and also a right approach should be considered to get an answer to this
question. Sometimes people expect imaginary behavior to be displayed by the infidel
partner so as to believe their genuineness. Only healthy discussions can help
to identify the genuineness and that too only after when the infidel partner
has admitted the wrong doing.
- · Commitment of the infidel partner
The commitment of the infidel
partner can be well assessed if he / she speaks in detail about the way
forward. When they speak about their vulnerabilities that made them slip into
infidelity, they speak about the support that they need for the future for
rebuilding the relationship. If they still put all the blame on the cheated
partner then the relationship is not worth reconsidering. The help of a good
marriage counselor / psychologist expert in the field is always recommended to
assess such a situation.
- · Self belief of the cheated partner
Above all if the value system of the cheated partner is
really inflexible and has no room for reconsideration then restarting the
relationship is not recommended. Some people have such strong views about infidelity
that despite huge efforts they feel that something inside them is broken. It is
much more than their emotional hurt.
People vary in their opinions about this topic because they
differ in value systems and a lot of other factors. Still the fact
remains that a third person can only come between a couple WHEN there is space
between. Relationships run only on honest
sharing and full commitment. Couples
should honestly share their individual needs, expectations and experiences with
each other. And then they should put their best effort to fulfill these needs (
both emotional or physical ). It is the intent that matters. The result is complete
bonding without any gaps.
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