Ongoing communication is what keeps a marriage or any relationship alive

A healthy, consistent ongoing communication is what keeps a marriage or any relationship alive. Let us first begin with understanding what communication is. Communication means the exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior. As clear from this definition, verbal communication is only a segment of the interactions we have with the external world. This means that even when spouses are not talking to each other, they are still communicating.

Good communication is vital for any marriage because it helps in building intimacy, lessens the frequency and intensity of conflicts, aids in healthy conflict resolutions and increases overall satisfaction of your relationship. It is the key for a satisfying and nurturing marriage as it helps people in knowing as well as understanding each other’s world.

While aiming to increase or improve communication between partners, it is an incomplete approach to work on only verbally expressed interactions. Here is what all you can keep in mind.

To become an effective communicator, the first step is building awareness. You need to start becoming more aware of your own feelings and triggers, as well as your partner’s. We all are unique and different. So, we like to express in a certain way. Some of us prefer to talk more, some others prefer to observe and listen more. Some feel the need to talk about everything that goes on in their lives and through this sharing, they feel close to their partners. On the other hand, there are people who are more comfortable keeping something to themselves, need time to think and then communicate. What kind of communicative personality are you? You need to be aware! Observe your interactions with others. It is important to recognize the non-verbal messages you yourself are transmitting. You can do the same while trying to understand your partner’s communication style. You can pay close attention to what your partner is conveying through his moods, attitudes, gestures, movements, and actions.

Another thing we need to remember is that more often than not, we give meaning to certain non verbal expressions of the other without accurately knowing what it meant. While sometimes what is being conveyed to us and what meaning we give it is the same, in certain situations it can differ. This can result in miscommunications and unnecessary escalation of a conflict beyond an intended level. Do not make any assumptions about the meaning of certain gestures or body language. Take a step back and observe the situation before reacting. An unusually quiet spouse might imply that something happened to him during the day at work, or he is just tired, or he is trying to let you know that he is upset at something you did or said. It is better to ask what is bothering him rather than assuming a reason and acting based on that. Most of these things just keep happening unconsciously so the only way to deal with them is by keeping a conscious check.

Next comes acknowledgment. Acknowledge the changes in mood, acknowledge the feelings and unsaid emotions that you slowly becomes aware of. Let your partner know that you are trying to be aware of what is going on in his inner world. At the very same time, acknowledge the differences in the communication style you and your partner might have. With passing time, couples tend to adopt a shared communication style which works for them. However, in the beginning one needs to keep making these efforts.

Another important thing is to remember that an effective communicator also should understand when not to communicate i.e. when to withhold certain expressions and gestures if the partner is not in a state to receive those. For example, continuously asking for a response when your partner needs some time to ‘cool off’ or ‘think about it on his own’, is more likely to irritate him, and frustrate you. In such situations, one does more damage than good. Be patient. It works!

Finally, one single thing to keep in mind is that if in your relationship, there is lack of communication and sharing, there can be no better time than NOW, to take initiative and open the channels of communication. For your relation. For yourself.

This article written by personal and relationships counselling expert Divya Baveja. Divya is a practicing psychologist and a consultant with TCI since 4 years. She has done her Masters in Psychology. Her interest areas are in the field of personal and relationships counseling.